


all the things i wish i could say

by losersclaia



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Depressing, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 02:55:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11980599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/losersclaia/pseuds/losersclaia
Summary: Simon is sick of Jace hurting himself.





	all the things i wish i could say

**Author's Note:**

> big shout out to my beta AnnCherie !! ( sunjimon on tumblr)

Simon ran into the Institute with tears in his eyes.  
  
He had been out getting coffee with Maia when Clary had called and said something bad had happened to Jace, asking if he could come. He had ran out of the shop as quick as possible leaving his friend without any answers.  
  
“Where is he?” He ran into Clary and held her by shoulders, not realising how hard he’s holding her fragile figure.  
  
“Simon, it’s okay, relax.” She touched his cheek and squeezed his hand a little bit. “It’s gonna be okay.”  
  
Simon looked at her and his eyes started watering again.  
  
“What happened this time?”  
  
He was sick of it. So fucking sick of Jace risking his life at every single occasion. Jace thought his life didn't matter. The second he saw danger he threw himself into it, not thinking about every person that loves and cares about him.  
  
“It’s a rare demon's poison. It's really obscure and no one knows how to cure it.”  
  
The vampire's whole body tensed. That’s what he gets. All of it for being a supportive and worrying boyfriend? Does Jace not care about him at all? This fucking idiot could die and he wanted it. He probably would do it again if he could.  
  
“Can I see him?” Simon's pure anger overcame the sadness.  
  
Clary just pointed a finger at the door on the right. “He's conscious, but we don't know for how long. Magnus is working on the cure in the other room.” She smiled sadly at him and walked away.  
  
Simon walked toward the door and became paralysed. He loves Jace so much. He’s never loved anyone with that much passion. They had that amazing bond where they went from hating each other to being best friends, and from this point they're still best friends but in more intimate relationship. He’s never felt the the cliché butterflies in the stomach with anyone but him. He’s never felt more comfortable with anyone. Jace was his better half.  
  
He walked into the room. Jace was pale and all of his runes looked like they're burning him. Pain was written all over his face.  
  
“Si…” he weakly smiled at him, and for a second Simon thought about not doing what he was about to do.  
  
He walked further into the room and stood in front of Jace's bed. He took a deep breath.  
  
“Jace, I can't be with you anymore. I literally can not stand here and look at you throwing yourself at death every time it comes around. You're not alone here. Me, Izzy, Clary, Alec, hell even Magnus and your parents, we're all here and we don't want to lose you. God why are you so fucking selfish!?” Simon's whole face is wet from tears and he felt like he’s gonna fall apart.  
  
He had finally said what he was holding in himself for a very long time. He just couldn't keep it inside anymore.  
  
Jace's face was still. He showed zero emotion. Just tears streaming down his pale cheeks as he watched love of his life.  
  
“That's why I think we should take some time apart. I can't... I don't want to handle the pain you're causing me.” He wasn't looking at Jace. He couldn’t. It was too hard to say it while looking at him.  
  
“Si… please don't.” he almost choked on his tears. “l love you, I'll try to be better for you.”  
  
"No, Jace. If you loved me, you’d fight for it. If you loved me, you’d show it. If you loved me, you’d fight for me. Do you even know what love is?!”  
  
Jace remained silent. Simon continued. “You don't love me. If you'd love me you wouldn't just be so quick to die and leave me.” He almost whispered, “I'd better go. Get well soon.”  
  
And he left. All muscles in his body tensed but he just couldn't be here anymore. He couldn't even look at this place. Everything was just a blur of memories with Jace playing all over again in his head. He could hear Izzy and Clary calling his name. But it just wasn't the right time. 

* 

Simon walked into boat house and immediately curled up in canoe. Now he could let go of being strong. He started crying like a baby and it didn't stop. He cried what felt like an hours and when he couldn't anymore he was just laying, staring with blank expression at Jace's hoodie that he had left here yesterday.  
  
They had been laying in this stupid canoe together and listening to music Jace didn’t even like, but Simon had liked it so the blonde didn’t complain. Simon had shivered and Jace gave him the hoodie and taken him into his arms, squeezing hard. Simon closed his eyes and pushed himself harder into his boyfriend's side as he kissed his temple.  
  
It all had been so nice and perfect. Everyone kept telling them how lucky they are and how cute they look and how they're such a good match.  
  
Well now it’s over. Simon still loves him more than anything but it's just not working. It's not good. It's toxic.  
  
Simon tired from crying and didn't even notice when he drifted into sleep. 

*

Simon woke up few hours later. It was dark. He looked at his phone. 3:45AM and 35 missed calls from Izzy. He jumped out of the canoe and rushed into the institute. He tried calling Izzy and Clary and even Alec but no one picked up.  
  
He never in his life ran faster than now. When he finally walked into the institute he saw everyone gathered outside Jace's room.  
  
“Whats going on? Is he okay?” At that sentence Izzy made a really loud crying noise.  
  
Clary with swollen eyes slowly walked to him and then he realised.  
  
“Si...im so--,"  
  
"No! Stop, please stop, it can’t be happening!” His scream sounded throughout the silent halls.  
  
He fell onto the ground and started crying. Clary walked to him and closed Simon into the strongest hug ever.  
  
"Clary, please tell me it’s not true." He sobbed into her ear.  
  
She started rocking him back and forth on the ground whispering quiet "shh" into his ears.  
  
No, no, no it can't be happening.  
  
"I never got to say goodbye, i yelled at him" he choked on tears"  
  
"Si, its not your fo-"  
  
He pushed Clary away and stood up. Everyone was looking at him.  
  
“Why didn't you do something?” he looked at Magnus. "You should have done something, you did NOTHING!" he yelled.  
  
Magnus remained silent which made him even more mad.  
  
"He's dead! And no one helped him!”  
  
His cheeks were red from anger but all he could feel was pain and emptiness. Something was missing and it was never coming back. The better half of him. The half that made him feel safe and like he could do anything. The part that called him beautiful and made him coffee in the middle of the night. The half that showed up at every single concert he ever played. It was gone.  
  
“Simon, please calm down." Izzy put her hand on his shoulder but he pushed it off.  
  
"No!” he backed away from everyone. “Just leave me alone...please."  
  
He looked one last time at everyone and ran out of the institute. He ran and he ran through dark and empty streets on New York. A few people wandering around looked at him as he was running like nothing else mattered. 

Nothing matters anymore. 

He stopped when he stood at his destination. Roof of the block his mom is living in. All of those people will wake up soon and no one will know Simon is dying inside. He's all alone now. He sat at the edge and looked into the sky. The sky was still dark with a few stars but soon it would be pink and then blue and life will go on. 

Without Jace. 

“I'm so fucking sorry. I love you. I know you love me. I was an idiot.” He wiped away tears. "Our first date ended up here." he laughed through tears. “I wanted to make a big move here next week. You ruined it you moron.”  
  
He took small box out of his pocket and opened it. Inside there was minimalistic but beautiful ring. He loved Jace so much. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with this beautiful and smart man by his side.  
Now it would never happen. 

He closed the box and put it at the edge of roof. "I already miss you. I'll never forget you, my love."


End file.
